I've become less excited about things in life, Is that age or some form of jaded demeanor? In one day I'll be sitting up close and person with one of my favorite singers of all time. That next morning I'll be flying out to Miami to party like a rockstar(Yes I said it). But from looking at me, you'd think someone I was into asked me some kinky sex shit, and I'd had to cut them off. All that to say is I'm not excited about Nothing. What happen to Christmas eve type excitement? Nearly holding my breath till that clock hit the midnite hour. The trill has gone,the trill has gone away. I've started to lack the desire for sex, and it dead end positions. Sleep is no longer a peaceful vacation spot, its restless, and reaping with dreams of dis…… My friend told me he was HIV+ after 8 months. I don't know how to react. You think being who I am, I'd be able to handle things like this on my head. Wait shit who am I? I'm a manchild with feeling, worried to death about my friends future. I want to run and hug him, tell him its cool. But I wont ever know how he feels, Lets prey!, not a set of emotions I plan on building. Ironically many of my friends are coming out the wood work, and allowing me to know there deepest of secerts. I guess they feel they cant tell me, cause of this! I'll write about it, shit I don't blame them I wouldn't tell me shit either. I tend to live on such a level of "it is what it is" I think other follow suit, most don't. I used to be such a lier because I didn't like myself, this is the only way I know how to live NOW. I have long legs so I plan to give my self one good O kick in the ass, and keep it going.
The Creator is one of time and understanding. I have many times over discussed living in ones reality, Learning and trying to understand design, letting the universe work you ova, as well as pimping it in-between. Living in color, and being someone brother. Living in your pain on a stage, so people can give you a hand, and take something home with them. In my walks thou design I have met someone, whom has lived all these wonderful and life-affirming actions. Blog world I would Love to introduce you to Lawson Bowman. My friend living with
HIV, and his road to triumph, love, pain, and back again. Here lays his passage.
So you guys can met him 1st hand. Video Blog to come soon!
Show my boy some love!
My Virgo nature tends to take over and makes me an order guy!
I firstly sit at my desk, check my emails, makes me a cup of coffee,
Which by the way has been darkening my teeth, yuck! I then log onto Pandora.com to get my music on. Next step is Dailynews.com read the stock report, a few articles. I would read the Times, but it’s too cumbersome for 9am. I want my 9th grade reading level, and call it a morning!
Well in my daily reading, of my daily news online. I came across an article on Mother Teresa and her struggle with faith. Quick back story. After her death they found some old letters of hers. Questioning her faith in the creator. She wrote “"If there be God - please forgive me. When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul," she wrote. "How painful is this unknown pain - I have no Faith."
In this I started to wonder how many of us question our faith if we even have it at all.
She was said to have had Christ spoke to her one time directly. Telling her to become a missionary in the slums to help the poorest of the poor. “ Come be my light”, is what she heard.
In the next 50 years of her life, she longed to hear him speak with her again. She never, not once stopped her mission of what she knew her life to be, but no longer had faith. Quick sidebar, I was told recently that I was a scientist; I had never been referred to in that way. I was a little taken a back in a positive way by the comment. A scientist profession is to create and to fall short and try again. To mix, to be fearful of not getting what they set out for, but always having that end result on there mind. Mother Teresa was a Scientist, even to the point of losing her faith, but staying true to the mission given to her in 4 simple words, “Come be my light”. We have given up with a lot less. There is an old Jewish teaching that I have tape to my desk, I read every so often, I’ll share it with you. “If one is planting a tree, and hears the messiah is coming, one should continue planting. It’s our life-affirming actions that produce the reality of the messianic future.”
Hold faith in all you do, remember its all Hills and Valleys. We have given up because of such simple things, look around you and see what really matters, and push for that end aspiration.
Kiddies you will be happy to know. I bit the bullet! I told "them"! "Them" write back and yeah! Glad I did it at 28 lol. I was going to post my note, then "them" reply, but I need to have something for myself! I guess I'm content and I'm heartbroken. Content because I got it off my heart, anyone that knows me personal, can pretty much say I don't keep emotion in. I'm heartbroken because I have to tell "them" I can no longer speak with "them" for the betterment of me. Leaving that gate open sounds good, but one O good gust of wind, and the bitch is wide.
Anyway thank you Family, for helping me. I'm usually the one given advice. It feels so great to know when I need it, there are open arms to welcome me in!
Lately I was sent an email, asking why is the theme of “Love” and its understanding so significant in my blogs as lately. Well firstly there is an approaching lunar eclipse in my love zone, which is sending Romantic vibes my way. LOL. No Love is universal, and I want my blog to always be a medium to converse, and build with one another. Not only in a homosexual frame of belief, but more so human, a universal understanding.
Well in that said! We will talk about the universal balderdash known as GAME. Yes balderdash, been trying to fit that word in somewhere for a while, okay I digress. So as you all know I’m in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. Everyone is asking who this fool is, I will not say! Why? Because all the gays know one another and I will not have some big mouth with one to many in them, going up to this said person and telling all my dang business. So they (Yes pronoun’s here) they will remain nameless. Well quick back story. I met this person, not under the best terms, but it is what it is at this point. I fell for this person, and they didn’t fall for me. So now I’m really just the snot to there tissue. Use me up, and toss me aside. Any O way. I get an email from said person, and they say they want to speak with me, and why hadn’t I called them. So I say, “My bad” I will tonight. And like the infatuated sap that I am I do it, goes to voice mail! I leave a message that I have practice 200 times in my head. Not to dramatic, not to weak. I choose my verbs oh so well, like I’m on the stand testifying at a Murder trail. I won’t get busted, my minds eye tells me. Knowing my feeling are embed on very syllable that leaves my orifice. “Love me, love me, love me, say you do!!!” Nina is the soundtrack to these gale force winds. I want for the return call, hoping every number that pops up is “them”.
Zilch, then a week pastes, no call from “them”, no email from “them”.
Well Low and behold, at 7:45am on a Monday morning; I get a text, a simple hello.
So now my question is, WTF. Not WTF is up with “Them” WTF is my issue.
I’m a man. And I know game, if someone wants you, they will just want you. I have yo yo-ed a many of people, nothing I’m proud of but it’s a fact of learning to respect other feeling, and how they view life, compared to your own view.
“Them” s GAME is good, but I’m tired, and I really feel like this is a game of Monopoly that started at 2am. It’s never going to end.
So my question is, do I tell this person I love them? And quick side bar I know they don’t love me, and before you send me emails asking how do I know. I once asked, and “them” said “What the hell do you think”, in the most surly manner, I ain’t heard surliness like that since (insert clever line here ________). “Them” doesn’t point blank! So do I tell this person, look I Love you stay AWAY? I already know the answer. I’m really living in my ego at the moment. I in a sense don’t want to admit complete defeat by spilling all my tender affection out, and “them” simple saying Oh! Well Holla back! Which intern is actually most likely want I need, right?
OMG I’m so tired of talking about “them”. I have a birthday coming up in a matter of days, and I have had a good talking to with myself, and I will not take this into another year of my life. It’s simple not fair. I have realized holding on to past thought of other won’t allow me to move forward with another. I was told by more then one person, I carry a barricade. Now why this barricade, I have to work out, and knock the hell down.
I blogged all of yesterday, about what I wanted to do in my life in that one year.
I want you guys to be me a favor, call it a birthday present, I want everyone who reads my blog, the comments people and not, to tell me one goal they have set forth, to better themselves. You can post it on here, or Email me. Jared.Shuler@gmail.com
So we can push each other to get where we all deserve to be GREATNESS!
I’m trying so hard to get out my own way. I love for you guys to try with me. Hand across the blog world. YESSSSSSSSS!
I have come to realize why so many men are SINGLE. I’m sure we all have our guesses of what zany crass thing I’m about to let loose. But really, the light has just gone off in my head and I realize what in the hell it is! But firstly let go thou what its not!
1. Its not sex, I’m a man, that get’s offered all too often. Not that I’m complaining, when I’m in “Heat” Yes heat like a damn cat, its all good! My point? Sex is easy, it’s everywhere, and Blah!
2. It’s not Love. I have loved a many of people. Lawd knows. Quick side bar, Seven years ago, Love and Basketball came out. There is a scene in the movie where (Regina Hall), is combing her little sisters hair, ( Sanaa Lathan). Sanaa asked “Have you ever been in love?” Regina replies. “Chile way too many times!” Now seven years ago I didn’t understand that. How in the hell could you be in love so much? Well now “Chile I do!” Once again point being, its not love. We are still very capable of loving one another. It’s more the expression of that love.
3. It’s not time! If I know anything in this life, no mater how busy you are. If you want to make time for someone you can! Point Blank. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Unless he/she is locked up. That’s a different blog all together.
Now I’m ready to tell you want it is!!!!!! Drum Roll….
IT’S ….. Well wait; let’s see if you guys can get it. It’s a noun. Full in the blank _______.
Its carrying on, its courtship, its enchantment, its fascination, its flirtation, its hanky-panky, its being intrigue, its PASSION, its melodrama.
You have any idea yet? Okay if not, I’ll go on…..
It’s Love Jones, on a rainy Sunday afternoon, breakfast in bed.
It’s remembering something you said 6 months ago, and getting it for you.
It’s a picnic on the living room floor.
Its whispers in your ear about better times to come.
Its knowing how one feels, just by the sound of there voice.
It knows when to shut-up and just give in.
It’s having ones back, when they don’t have there own.
It’s cupcakes for your birthday.
Its post it around the house, saying I love you.
Its making you laugh, when you’re in the worst of moods.
It’s making you cry when you need to get it out, and being that rock, when you don’t want anyone near you.
I would think at this point, you’d have to know what in the hell is missing
Have you filled in the Blank as yet?
If someone else asks me out. Then turn around and ask me a million f-ing times what do I want to do. I will go across the street, ask my country ass neighbor to borrow his Shotgun, and go on a 17 state killing spree.
What happen to being a little damn creative? The Best dates are free. Damn it, tell me to put on some sneakers, and lets take a
around the park after dark
Find a spot for us to spark
Conversation, verbal elation, stimulation
Share our situations, temptations, education, relaxtaions Elevations, maybe we can talk about Surah 31:18
Grrrrrrr I say! Question of the Moment.
Is Romance Died? Or just the possibility.
All you Love Jones fans feel me.
I have learned to think of friends in two ways, so listen closely.
Image your in a club, popping it, having a good old time. Then you suddenly hear there is a fire. I don’t mean a kitchen fire, I mean a blaze it about to happen. Now here is the kicker.
A. Are your “friends” inside looking for you, making sure you get out?
B. Waiting outside for you, saying “Bitch I’m glad you made it out”.
True Love and Friendship is putting someone before you, now when you think of people in your circle, put them in this Scenario, you be surprise what you get.
I hate sounding needy, but I’m in requirement of a hug.
Let me explain. Anyone that knows me personally knows that I once upon a time was working for a Billion doll er Media company, sitting pretty, collecting my check.
Well my ego and my boredom, made a horrible decision for me. It said “Jared its time to move on.” So in my human reaction, I decided to live in Ego. The most damaging of emotions. I live my life in a way, as if I feel I’m not growing, I will not stay immobile. I most grow. The part that ego played was I jumped and ran, to any open door there was. This leap, has taught me something I never ever will forget, it simple isn’t always easier on the other side. As I think back, ironically enough one of my favorite songs, it’s by this artist name Amel Larrieux called Gills and Tails.
It’s the lovely story of a young lady out on a wonderful beautiful day, on her fishing boat, and she looks down in the water, and see’s all the fish , playing, and swimming, and in there schools. So she decides to jump in the water, and chill with. Basically to see how it is down there. It doesn’t take her long to realize as she is chilling. The fish are mean they are biting her, the larger ones are bulling the smaller fish, and then she realizes no matter how beautiful it looked, it’s no better. So she simple says. “Can I come up for air?”
Gills and Tails
i looked at my reflection in the water
thought what an unlikely pair
closed my eyes, held my breath, plummeted down,down,down
and anchored myself there
can't tell how long i've been
in the company of gills and tails
i think i feel my skin
can i come up for air
can i come up, can come up
i'm gettin' eaten up down here
i'm just not built like them
the big fish have a monopoly
the little fish get buried in the sand
this here world i'm in
sucks your life out, leaves you comatose
take back your salt and fins
send me a lifeboat
i look up at longing at the surface
hypnotized by the way the sunlight seems to ride each ripple
and they do a dance
every ray becomes a beckoning hand
i miss the sweet taste of oxygen
i mistook this for the promised land
That is where I am! The points of this blog are two things. Learning Placement, which I will explain, and learning by design which I will also try to explain. When I walked into the matter that I am in now. I got no indication of it being a negative thing. It seems to open its arms with affection, and I was thinking I was so in need of some form of revolutionize, or some need of stepping stone, I walked in eyes blocked. I was wanted, and I wanted to be wanted! Like a key to a lock. It was just what the doctor ordered. But as we all know, every key isn’t for every lock. The place I am in now, has almost broken my sprit, has made me disheartened, has make me tense, has made me weep, has made me ill, but what I have gained is an understanding of placement. All these things I feel, I needed to, because I had become to complacent in my old life. This has woken me up to see that the world isn’t shiny and pretty, or fair. I have learned to place all these emotions that I have been forced to feel into a positive, they are nothing more then growing pains, life simple pulling me. So I can in turn be strong and mighty.
This “matter” is also by design. You know when you go to old school church people, and they say it’s already written. They have it right to a point. Certain parts of life are made by design. We all have stories. Maybe how you met your lover, or your best friend. It was a point in life that was made to take place. The key to it is learning how to pimp it outside of design. Yes we are inclined to have certain relationships horrific or excellent. Some time we are intended to have shitty parents. That was design! But pimping it is to shower your children with love. Get it? In one of my cases of design. I know what it is to be truly loved, by a partner, no if ands or buts, I know what Love is! That is by design. So now when in a relationship, I know what and what not is love. So simple I don’t waste ample time looking for something, when my focus can be other places. That’s pimping it! Get it?
I am in the matter I have to deal with now, to learn its ok to stand still at times. Learn to live past my ego, and keep my heart and mind on my goals I have set ahead. Learning placement, and try to acclimate ones self to realizing the moments of design, and learning how to pimp everything else around them.
If anyone needs me to explain what in the Sam hell I am talking about, please ask.