H i s d a i l y v a r i e t y

What does it take for someone to get activated? My skin is breaking out in some strange rash, that I hear will get worst before its gets better, I’m bored to tears at my job, I’ve gained weigh, and I’m much to vain to be over weight. All in all none of these things have driven me. I have become so comfortable in “it is what it is” that I allow a lot of things fall to the waste side. I guess it’s my strange way of manipulating energy, to not sweat the small stuff. Well I’ve taken don’t sweat the small stuff too far, and allowed life to pass me by. A close friend of mine passed away Saturday, or that is when they found his body. I hadn’t realized how bad I am with grieving till now. I feel so guilty, mad, and angry. Did he take his own life? Was he sick? He had pushed us away, saying he found God. No one will argue with that. Well I didn’t. I saw him a few months back. He didn’t look well. Body thin, muscle mass gone. A child in men’s clothes. I didn’t say anything! But I did call other and say he didn’t look well, I hope he is ok. He wasn’t, and I didn’t open my mouth. Me mouth all mighty didn’t say a word. He sent out a simple email saying “Hello Everyone, I just wanted to let you know that today is my last day at this job. After today if you need reach me, please email me at xxx@yahoo.com or feel free to call.” I didn’t call!


I hate to think in his last days he felt so alone, that he didn’t reach out. I yell, and scream in my mind, and ask God why didn’t, he say I need help! I need a hug, I need an ear. I spend all day, returning letters, and helping people I will never lay eyes on, and someone I knew for 10 years got pass me! I didn’t even notice. Why didn’t I say something? Fear of fighting? Most likely, but it’s what we did. As I review all the emails that we have sent back in forth, I now realize it was him trying to see if I cared. In ten years I don’t remember once saying I love you KJ! You are my friend. I am so sorry for that man. I love you! And I promise I will not let anyone that is hurting so much in my life, go with out me opening my mouth, and saying my piece. I remember moments when all I needed was a hug, the thoughts drumming in my head. If only someone would lay there hands on me. Taken me close into them, and let me know I wasn’t alone. As I think back, I recall saying, I will ask next time, if he needs me. What’s wrong? There wasn’t a next time. KJ I hope in your next journey I will have the unique reward, to be a part of your life again, and I promise you I will love you openly, and not give two damns if you push me away, I ain’t going no where! I PROMISE! I love you man hope to see you again, you may have to wait a minute, but I’ll be there.

I am worthless, a worthless space of matter, my Mother cries for me each night, and I feel guilt for not being worth enough. 400 years of none freedom, being taken from the west, enslaved and beat, deprogrammed and reprogrammed to hate, me, and love YOU. Time breaks and I’m given 44 acres of freedom, which I have still yet to receive. But here I stand worthless. He reloaded twice on me, and I yell in pain lifeless, simple thinking I have to make it to my wedding tomorrow, she will be so pained. My chest is tight, my heart has slowed, my hands are cold, oh damn am I dying? She’ll be so hurt~! My kids, my wife, my mom, my life. What did I do?

What would you do if your son or daughter told you they were transgender?

Would you be happy if you were never able to get on Adam or BGC again?" I know it seems superficial, but so many of "us" spend so much time on these sites. I challenge you think why "we" are on these sites. Lets be honest, many of "us" go on these sites to hookup or do we? Rarely are we looking for genuine conversation or friendship with no sexual ties.
So, the question begs the deeper question.

If you weren't able to hookup anymore, would you be happy?

Also why are we really on these sites, are we really that lonely?
Note: I meet my best friend on Adam4Adam. Many of years ago. Has the gay "life" become more sexual?

My Muse: Wesley

handsomeprettybeautiful?

The men have driven me so crazy. Now I’m back to the ladies.

So here is the question of the week. How would you feel if one of your friend of many years told you out of left field they where “tired” of being gay and started dating women only? Would you think he was losing faith in our “community”? Is he a trader? Is he lying to him self? BTW he has never once said, acted, eluded to being bi-sexual.

Rage