H i s d a i l y v a r i e t y

Having come to realize that I sound like a mindless sap when I talk of Love.
Yes I have moments, and I being the open manuscript that I am, I tend to give it to the world whole heartedly. In twenty four days I will be 29 years old. MY GOD! Now I could go thou the I’m so blessed to make it this far, which I truly am. I will never be unappreciative, seeming that’s what most people are and I truly value myself on how uniquely odd I am.

In my 29 years I want to feel like I mattered, that when I leave this place I have left some form of foot steps for people to follow. I sit back and try to re-examine, all the knowledge that has gotten me to this point. Re- visit the chooses I have made. Question the steps that I WILL make. What am I trying to say here?

For years I have lived in fear of being a great person. I lived in dread of not having a father. I lived in terror of being gay. I lived in horror of not knowing how to communicate with other, and even worst black males, that I shared the same skin, the same lips, the same experience, but never the same voice. I took the route most gay men do. To be in compassed in a world that is comfortable, with other males that shared your stories, existence, your life. Not realizing the damage I had given myself, by totally shadowing me, in this said World. Then wondering why no one understands “US”!

God, I feel like I have done so many damn things wrong, out of passion, out of loneliness, just to have a man say I Love you, changed my whole world at one point.
I recently realize, that I had never heard a man tell me he loved me, until one of my boyfriends, and by this time I was well into my early to mid 20’s and I have been chasing the dragon ever since. Almost in my 30’s, and chasing a reality I’ve never had.

I was looking at a lull I had in Blogging, almost six months ago, and it was simple do to the fact that I was dating someone. My focus was somewhere else. Now all of us know when it’s new, that is 85% of your brain capacity. Now I’m not apologetic for this in any form. The universe makes it self out what it is to be for a reason. We all can simple go back, and analyze why certain relationships didn’t work for certain reasons. I been called, to narcotic, to independent (my personal favorite), needy (In my younger years), mmm wonder way, looking for a man’s approval maybe? The point I’m trying to make here is. In all things that I have done to complete myself, I have never taken the time to complete myself! A great teacher is a man that lives by his own teaching. I would hate to be a person that was simple all talk, and hadn’t even began to acclimate any of his own wisdom in his personal existence.

I have yet to articulate this with my father, so I have to learn to heal that wound, with out him. I have now realized that what I messed in any male role model; I will simple not find in a mate in that capacity. Once again “Be your Muse”,{http://hisdailyvariety.blogspot.com/2007/06/be-your-muse.html}
and live in your own teachings. WOW 29 going into 30! You all ready to take this ride with me?

TO UNDERSTAND LOVE, TO SMILE IN LOVE. TO BE IN LOVE. YOU HAVE TO IMAGE IT. REMEMBER IT!
THE LOVELY AND WONDERFUL MOMENTS, WHEN YOU WHERENT YOUR OWN WORST EMEMY. EVEN IF IT WAS FOR A NIGHT. PUT HERSELF IN A PLACE, WHERE YOUR HEART CAN STILL FEEL THAT PASSION OF BEING SO HEAD OVER HEELS, LMAO!!!!!

A BROHTA CAN DREAM, CANT HE! REALLY WHAT WOULD I BE WITH OUT IT.

WOW TO REMEMBER, BEING CUTE AND ASKING YOUR PIECE TO NOT GO OUT. "STAY HOME, LETS WATCH A MOVIE, MAYBE TAKE A BATH, AND SLOW DANCE IN THE LIVING ROOM. ORDER IN!

JUST STAY HOME WITH ME TONITE!

Ok so I’m trying something NEW! Life lesson #1.
I have as recently notice, that my jump off’s
Are all starting to get in relationships. Now me being who I am, I like to leave an open relationship with these said Individual. We always see each others as friends, and can speak openly about what is always currently going on in our lives.

I received an IM from one today!

M (10:00:26 AM): Hey
bluestory (10:00:46 AM): hello
M (10:00:55 AM): How are you?
bluestory (10:01:06 AM): I’m well and u
M (10:02:55 AM): Pretty good
M (10:05:27 AM): How are things--work, life?
bluestory (10:06:00 AM): ok
bluestory (10:06:22 AM): working towards Africa
M (10:06:31 AM): Ahh yes
M (10:06:37 AM): good good
M (10:06:52 AM): Are you still with that guy?
bluestory (10:07:04 AM): lol
bluestory (10:07:06 AM): what guy
bluestory (10:07:13 AM): I aint been dating anyone
bluestory (10:07:17 AM): at all
M (10:10:02 AM): mmhmm
bluestory (10:10:30 AM): I aint seeing anyone
bluestory (10:10:34 AM): if u like to know
bluestory (10:10:36 AM): lol why
M (10:12:01 AM): just wonderin
bluestory (10:12:09 AM): oh ok
bluestory (10:12:15 AM): well now u know
M (10:12:39 AM): now I do
M I recently found myself in a love triangle
M (10:13:06 AM): where I was the other woman
bluestory (10:13:18 AM): Lawd
bluestory (10:13:22 AM): it happens to us all
M(10:13:25 AM): and both guys were friends of mine
bluestory (10:13:25 AM): aint cute
bluestory (10:13:34 AM): so u where the Hoe
M (10:13:37 AM): well, ones more than a friend now
M (10:13:43 AM): apparently
M (10:14:00 AM): a little less black and white than that
bluestory (10:14:34 AM): so whats the issue?
M (10:15:25 AM): well, their 3 yr relationship has been fallking a part for awhile and pretty much coming to a close
M (10:15:55 AM): and somehow me and one of them started something before they officially ended
M (10:16:06 AM): remember that day I called you last week?
bluestory (10:16:30 AM): yes
bluestory (10:18:05 AM): it was that boy u where with
M (10:18:33 AM): yes
M (10:18:46 AM): but that was before we knew we'd become intimate
M (10:18:56 AM): it was so not the intention
M (10:19:07 AM): he was there with his job for a few days
bluestory (10:19:50 AM): U like him?
M (10:20:09 AM): an incredible amount
M (10:20:14 AM): but who knows
M (10:20:25 AM): that never means anything apparently
bluestory (10:20:37 AM): awwww
M (10:20:42 AM): he is pretty great though
bluestory (10:20:43 AM): to bad it started out in shit
M (10:20:53 AM): yea
M (10:21:29 AM): but shit helps grow stuff right? like fertilizer
M(10:21:37 AM): so who knows lol
bluestory (10:21:54 AM): well
bluestory (10:21:57 AM): it can
bluestory (10:22:00 AM): But
bluestory (10:22:14 AM): and u are talking to me about this for a reason
bluestory (10:22:20 AM): cause u know Ill be real
bluestory (10:22:25 AM): I have learned
M (10:22:31 AM): NO!
bluestory (10:22:44 AM): if it starts in some shit it will end in some shit
bluestory (10:22:47 AM): BUT
bluestory (10:22:50 AM): at times
bluestory (10:22:55 AM): u can over come that
bluestory (10:23:00 AM): Just babe
M (10:23:01 AM): 'I agree
bluestory(10:23:06 AM): always remember
M (10:23:08 AM): Jay and I started in shit
M (10:23:13 AM): that lasted two years
bluestory (10:23:25 AM): are u still with Jay?
M (10:24:47 AM): thats a moot point
M (10:24:53 AM): i had a career here
M (10:24:57 AM): he had one somewhere else
M(10:25:22 AM): it didn't end in shit by any definition
M (10:25:26 AM): just had to stop
M (10:25:56 AM): i like the word moot
bluestory (10:26:55 AM): Look go with your heart
bluestory (10:27:05 AM): u may have something to learn here
bluestory (10:27:21 AM): and if anyone can deal with u
bluestory (10:27:25 AM): more power to him
bluestory (10:27:28 AM): JOKES
bluestory (10:27:32 AM): your a lovely man
bluestory (10:27:35 AM): Side bar
bluestory (10:27:42 AM): all my sex friends are getting men
bluestory(10:27:44 AM): WTF
M (10:28:54 AM): lol
M(10:29:08 AM): am i a sex friend?
bluestory (10:29:16 AM): u where
bluestory (10:29:22 AM): we did it when we wanted
bluestory (10:29:29 AM): no issues
bluestory (10:29:34 AM): we love each other
bluestory (10:29:37 AM): Yea
thabluestory78 (10:29:41 AM): a sex friend
M (10:29:54 AM): hmm
M (10:29:59 AM): i guess thats okay
bluestory (10:30:04 AM): yea
bluestory (10:30:09 AM): we are grown
bluestory (10:30:12 AM): and its good
bluestory (10:30:14 AM): why not?

My whole point is after having this enlightening convo I have come to a mammoth conclusion. But first I will give you a little back ground people constantly ask me why I don’t have a companion. I tend to brush it off it one of the 3 replies.

1. No one wants me! {Not true}
2. Men are intimidated by my personality {Partly true, but no where to the end that I make it}
3. I’m a surly evil bitch (for lack of better terms), {this is also true at times, you just have to know how you hush me up, and BTW I’m given away trade secrets here}.

Now seeing that some of this may be true indeed, it shouldn’t stop me from having a healthy free spirited, loving relationship right? I have been over the why’s a million and ten times, with my friends, co-workers, pimps, cabbies, homeless, everyone! But if anything I’m so not about why anymore. One can why there whole life away. When do we come together and crack this Mother F*%$ing code. NO MORE WHY’s!
Doesn’t it scare the shit out of people, that want to be in relationships, that there are ill to none. Do we simple brush it off like I do with my N/A answers? Dialoguing in our own minds “Oh he/she will come”.
My favorite is “When you least expect it”. Look I say if you aint looking, how do you plan to find something. I may be wrong, but no one can seems to give me a concrete answer on this one, so I’m going to take it upon my self.

In trying something different I will make myself the Guinea pig.

THIS WILL BE CALLED: Drum roll……. JARED’s Dating {and stop being your own worst enemy} Challenge!

1. I will no longer give these lame ass N/A reasons for being single. I will simple go with. “It has not happen yet”
2. I will only speak positive about relationship, as well as write beautiful poems, and odes to being in love. I’m positive about every other damn thing, there is no just reason for me to demonize Love with it comes to having a partner!
3. I will be more open to dating, and WHEN and I mean WHEN someone says or does something stupid. I will laugh it off, and realize its ok. They are human, if I can be a surly bitch, they can be a little dense.

So who is down with the challenge? Let’s all take a minute and stop faulting the world for our relationship issues. We will permit our selves to hold a mirror eye level and deprogram ourselves from our past, and look toward our futures. YES for the self help speech.

If you like to Simple Sign up for the “JARED dating Challenge, leave a comment, and I will get back to you!




Sign up now, and we will explore other matters to get out your own way later.

My Good Friend Mr. Lee Hayes, Has finished his 3rd, and yet again wonderful book, The Messiah. Please Check it out!


The Messiah

Add to My Profile | More Videos


In this heart-pounding thriller full of dark passion, an ambitious investigative
reporter faces off with a mysterious serial killer who might just turn out to be
his own lover.Gabriel Kaine is working furiously to revive his stalled reporting career. Years ago, he got his first big break by investigating murders committed by a killer known as the Messiah. But when the Messiah vanished from the public six months
ago, Gabriel's success hit a downward slope.Now the Messiah has returned, and no one is safe from his evil. Desperate to bring this man to justice and to reap the professional reward for uncovering the final truth, Gabriel teams up with Jazz McKinney, the only known survivor of an encounter with the Messiah who was freed by the killer so he could warn others of an encounter with the Messiah who was freed by the killer so he could warn others of the Messiah's impending return. But as Gabriel and Jazz come closer to discovering the Messiah's identity, Gabriel realizes all the evidence points to Dr. Garrett Lord - a respected doctor and Gabriel's lover.
The personal stakes have never been higher, and readers will be on the edge of
their seats to see what awful truths are uncovered in this take of misguided
passion, deadly secrets, and thrilling danger.

I AM AWAKE *
MY MIND IS FREE *
I AM CREATIVE *
I LOVE MYSELF (Work in progress)
MY WILLPOWER IS STRONG *
I AM BRAVE *
I PRACTICE PATIENCE (Work in progress)
I DON'T JUGE FOLKS*
I GIVE, NOT TO RECEIVE*
I DON'T EXPECT*
I ACCEPT (Working on it)
I LISTEN MORE THAN I TALK*
I KNOW I'LL CHANGE*
I KNOW YOU'LL CHANGE (Working hard on that, stay tuned)
I'LL HOLD ON ONE MORE DAY*
I START OVER WHEN NECESSARY*
I CREATE MY OWN SITUATIONS*
I AM COSMIC*
I DO NOT HAVE THE ANSWERS*
I DESIRE TO LEARN**
I AM THE PLAN*
I AM STRONG*
I AM WEAK(Learning that its ok)
I WANT TO GROW*
I KNOW I WILL*
I TAKE ON RESPONSIBILITY*
I HIDE MYSELF FROM NO ONE**
I'M ON MY PATH**
WARRIORS WALK ALONE*
I WON'T LET MY FOCUS CHANGE*
TAKING OUT THE DEMONS IN MY RANGE**

{* Things I've Done!} { ** Things I'm great at doing!}
What you working on?

ERYKAH BADU

Life is precious Jared- You are nothing but a jewel that God is polishing- when it gets hard on you- remember that is only His hands rubbing you and taking out the rough edges so you will shine- when you realize how bright you are- it is His light beaming through you so that the world can stare and recognize that you are set apart from all other jewels- they will look in awe- because you are different- unlike anyone else- you are a precious- yet it is true- without His light- you will tarnish and blemish—He knows- that is why daily He work on you- Have patience, you are being refined- He wants you to be sold!
-TB

How does one deal with being in Love with somebody that will never Love them back?

The Universal question of the masses. There is always someone in this life that has your emotions. Now having ones emotions is quite different that having ones heart. We have all been in love, and like Sade croons. It’s truly never as good as the first time. Or is it? I have to say in my case any way. The Sex is Hella superior. Not so worried with how the way things look to the outside world. Rather focused on how things look to you. My point is there is always 1. No matter where you are, no matter whom you’re with. No matter what you’re doing. They got ya!

It’s truly a horrible feeling to have someone reign there power of the Jones on your ass, and your completely exposed. Now if someone asked me. What the hell you been drinking, he ain’t all that. I’d say, “Look I don’t know, but the Kool-aid is Red flava, and I’m taken it to the head!” He has as recently re-entered my life!
As we do bi-yearly.

I seemly find myself, no matter how much I have changed, falling into the same roll. Waiting for emails! Trying my damn best to set up dates! Decorously hoping he parts those heart shaped lips and says with baited breath. “I love you; you’re the man for me. Let’s run away together, buy a home, and adopted some black nappy headed kids” Ok YES that is a mouth full. But I’ll tell you this. I’d fall the hell out. Like Diana Ross at Florence Ballard wake. Ask an old Queen if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Here is my thing. I know a lot of stuff! I process information very differently from others. But Damn it, not when it comes to Love. Why in the hell hasn’t someone cracked the damn code?


So yes, I will mostly likely be nose wide open for this man, I won't listen to anyone, and will get my feeling hurt for the Lord know how many time. I sit here and a wait his call, text or email and rejoice in the fact that he is talking to me.
I always wondered why the creator set it up that you can’t view your self? Outwardly view your worth, your value; I guess what’s the use of coming in knowing everything.
No adventure!

"The universe has a plan. So do you. The question is, where do they coincide and where do they diverge? The truth is that the more you're aligned with your true purpose, the more the universe will support you."
Unknown

ON MY MIND


DISCLAIMER: “On my mind” is a periodical column about things, well, on my mind. I am not a doctor, Psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, or psycho-therapist. I simply have an opinion on things occurring my world. The purpose of my words are not meant to offend anyone’s religious, personal, or ethical beliefs, but rather challenge individuals thinking on given subject. Any reference to any persons falling into any breeched categories is merely coincidental and no way personal. Questions and comments welcomed.


I recently watched a video collage entitled: “The Truth“, on Myspace.

http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vbXlzcGFjZXR2LmNvbS9pbmRleC5jZm0/ZnVzZWFjdGlvbj12aWRzLmluZGl2aWR1YWwmdmlkZW9pZD05NDM1OTc5

Speakers from the entertainment industry came together to discuss the state of Homophobia in America. Clips from the Oprah Winfrey show, Hip Hop artists such as , Jim Jones, and V.J. personality Sway all voiced opinions on the subject. Kanye West said quote, “Everybody in Hip Hop discriminates against gay people. [As a] Matter of fact I think the exact opposite of Hip Hop is Gay.”

Homophobia isn’t something new. It’s been around for as long as air has been present. In the black community there is a emotionally crippling stigma attached to anything homosexual. I’ve asked several straight men to give me their opinion on the subject, however I never received a tangle explanation for the hate. One man, whom I’ll call “Bill” stated adamantly when I asked him, why does he hate homosexuals so much said,

““ I just don’t want to see two men banging each other in the ass. Two women enjoying each other’s bodies is sexy to me”

““But you don’t have to see it.“ I said, “What a person does behind the closed door of his own bedroom shouldn’t concern you, but still straight men feel the almost insatiable need to yell out obscenities, make threats of bodily harm, and totally disrespect and dehumanize anyone whom they suspect of being homosexual. Simply because he walks or talks or dresses in a certain manner.”

““ I just don’t like it.”

As you can see from our conversation, Bill never really answers my question. Personally I don’t think he understood half the words I used, but I also I don’’t even think he himself knew why he hated so much. As our conversation went on, I got the idea that his hate was more “the thing to do” rather than any personal experience.

In a world where homosexuality is becoming overwhelmingly more present, why do we still have people that find the subject of a man loving another man intimately so repulsive. Let me first, acknowledge that there is also a double standard when it comes to women and homosexuality. Lesbians are more “acceptable”” among people, and the instances of hate crimes, and viscous derogatory remarks are much less among the lesbian community, although the hate is still present.

The entertainment industry is flooded with openly gay and closeted homosexuals, so therefore, one would think tolerance would be a little higher. However, its not. Whenever we listen to the latest Hip Hop record, where there is “Beef”” between two artist, it seems that one can always find the arbitrary “faggot”, or “Homo” thrown in meant to diss or sully his opponents name. It seems Homosexuality is the ultimate insult. Gone are the days where offending someone’s mother was considered “fighting words”, now all one has to do to spark a riot is call someone a homo.

Does the Hip Hop world not know that homosexuals make up a great deal of their sales market? Does the Hip Hop world not know that a majority of the clothes they wear or boast to wear are in fact made, sewn, and designed by homosexuals? Couture fashion has only recently become popular among them anyway. Now you see countless young men’s who’s jeans have become slightly more fitted. Names like Gucci, Prada, and Cavali are not just foreign names anymore. Numerous stylist, choreographers, video directors, show promoters, all populate the music industry, and are in fact homosexuals, so why when I’m walking down the street with a friend who may be effeminate, do people stop and gawk as if they’ve never seen a gay man before.

Whenever we see a representation of black homosexuality on T.V. or movies, he is always portrayed as the overly flamboyant, extremely loud, insatiably feminine comedic sidekick. However, it is worth mentioning that in white America, homosexuality is portrayed in all facets. Elton John, openly gay, and legendary musician has never suffered a drop in record sales because of his sexual preference. Sitcoms like “Will and Grace” showed a professional, educated, accomplished gay man living his life and people do. Sure, the character of Jack MacFarland was the over-the-top flamboyant sidekick, but the balance was still present. Whenever WE are on T.V. we have the finger snapping, neck rolling, lisp having, messes. Just look at an old clip of the hugely successful skit comedy show “In living Color.” Remember the “Men on…” series.

So my challenge is not to the Hip Hop community or the entertainment industry either. My challenge goes out to the Homosexual community itself. Our presence is undeniably huge, however we are constantly ridiculed by people for something that has absolutely nothing to do with them. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I simply do not want to sleep with every man I see. Why do straight men think they we all want them? NOT!!! So my request probably wont be very realistic, but I would like to put a battery in the backs of everyone who feels that this should stop.

What would happen if we stopped? Just stopped. Stopped buying the Hip Hop and R&B CD’s. Stop going to the movies. Stopped wearing the urban fashion labels. Stop listening to the radio shows. Stopped watching BET, and other video shows. Fashion Designers, stop using these individuals for your endorsement. Stylist, stop excepting work with these clients. They obviously feel that this world would be a better place without us, so what would happen if we showed them. Not unlike the tradition of Black Solidarity day, when African Americans around the country make the conscious effort to buy only black owned, and manufactured products, and solicit black owned and operated establishments. What would happen if we had a Homosexual Solidarity day? So I guess one could say I’m suggesting a boycott of sorts. Again I’m not sure how realistic it is, but just think ““What if?” James Brown once said, “I’m not asking for a handout. I don’t want anybody to give me anything. Just open the door, I’ll get it myself.”

Just something that was on my mind.
By Donovan St. Clair