Having come to realize that I sound like a mindless sap when I talk of Love.
Yes I have moments, and I being the open manuscript that I am, I tend to give it to the world whole heartedly. In twenty four days I will be 29 years old. MY GOD! Now I could go thou the I’m so blessed to make it this far, which I truly am. I will never be unappreciative, seeming that’s what most people are and I truly value myself on how uniquely odd I am.
In my 29 years I want to feel like I mattered, that when I leave this place I have left some form of foot steps for people to follow. I sit back and try to re-examine, all the knowledge that has gotten me to this point. Re- visit the chooses I have made. Question the steps that I WILL make. What am I trying to say here?
For years I have lived in fear of being a great person. I lived in dread of not having a father. I lived in terror of being gay. I lived in horror of not knowing how to communicate with other, and even worst black males, that I shared the same skin, the same lips, the same experience, but never the same voice. I took the route most gay men do. To be in compassed in a world that is comfortable, with other males that shared your stories, existence, your life. Not realizing the damage I had given myself, by totally shadowing me, in this said World. Then wondering why no one understands “US”!
God, I feel like I have done so many damn things wrong, out of passion, out of loneliness, just to have a man say I Love you, changed my whole world at one point.
I recently realize, that I had never heard a man tell me he loved me, until one of my boyfriends, and by this time I was well into my early to mid 20’s and I have been chasing the dragon ever since. Almost in my 30’s, and chasing a reality I’ve never had.
I was looking at a lull I had in Blogging, almost six months ago, and it was simple do to the fact that I was dating someone. My focus was somewhere else. Now all of us know when it’s new, that is 85% of your brain capacity. Now I’m not apologetic for this in any form. The universe makes it self out what it is to be for a reason. We all can simple go back, and analyze why certain relationships didn’t work for certain reasons. I been called, to narcotic, to independent (my personal favorite), needy (In my younger years), mmm wonder way, looking for a man’s approval maybe? The point I’m trying to make here is. In all things that I have done to complete myself, I have never taken the time to complete myself! A great teacher is a man that lives by his own teaching. I would hate to be a person that was simple all talk, and hadn’t even began to acclimate any of his own wisdom in his personal existence.
I have yet to articulate this with my father, so I have to learn to heal that wound, with out him. I have now realized that what I messed in any male role model; I will simple not find in a mate in that capacity. Once again “Be your Muse”,{http://hisdailyvariety.blogspot.com/2007/06/be-your-muse.html}
and live in your own teachings. WOW 29 going into 30! You all ready to take this ride with me?
Reading your words and feeling your sincerity behind those words is something that I always look forward to when visiting your page. No, I'm not your boyfriend, a family member of yours, or even a close friend, but through your words I feel connected and I just want to let you that I Love You:-)
B.
Reading your blog makes see things differently than my usual cynical view of the world, and this one is no different. Thank you
My life has been a quest for recognition and acceptance. If you have been looking for acceptance and recognition but seem to fall short of everyone’s changing expectations, you are not alone. Everyone longs to be accepted and loved. We all know what rejection feels like and try everything we can to avoid that feeling. Sometimes, we must press forward, and take a leap of faith, in the hopes of receiving the love we deserve. Peace and Blessings, J.
Jared,
I didn't know you blogged on here I only discovered u did thru myspace. I have read only a couple of ur blogs but permit me to comment on this. Forgive me if I end up being long-winded but sometimes I have so much to say that I have to say it all.
I called a friend earlier this afternoon who decided I was too tall to date...hahaha, funny right? but as the cliche goes, "Everyone has their preference". I chose to respect that choice and opted for friendship instead. Interestingly enough they were relaying to me that it had happened again; this time with a celeb and he's even much taller than me.I laughed.
I chose to take it easy when I was told I was too tall but as it turns out, this time around the gentleman is not taking it sitting down, he's being aggressive and giving every possible reason why they should be together. Why is this story significant, u may wonder, actually it's not but I thought I'd tell u anyway...LOL not really.
I thought of this story because I realize that we don't need to have a perfect life. We don't need anything. We don't need to set any static standards based on our perceptions whether we consider ourselves wise or not we jst have to learn how to live. Do I say live frivolously? NO but don't fixate on any ideals that go no further than imagined. Instead of saying everybody needs to be loved, it's everybody would like to be loved and be shown affection.
Some of what I am writing I'm sure is banal and u've heard it over and over again, but the truth is this, I can tell you I love u but u have to believe it and that's the part you control. It's easy to say cuz some of the people on the show "cheaters' when their girls called them said "I love u babe" but were still doing stuff with other people...Yeah, I watched some episodes today...don't hate!!
To cap it, I say think for yourself, and take time to watch how things work in this world. Take an occasional look at the clouds, marvel at trees and how they tirelessly stand still and don't complain, pause and listen to the silence, marvel and sleep and wonder where u go when u sleep...Just remember, we may want a perfect life but honestly if u ask me we don't need it.
~1~ Luv,
His Royal Africanness (If that's a word)
-Ben
I'm game! Take this coming from a 22 y/o. I have learned to try to right the wrongs I have done thus far. I have attempted to fix the fences I have broken. I have tried to mend the relationships I have torn. These things are great in the journey of completing yourself.
I do see that you are appreciative that you have almost made it to 29. Bravo, some do not appreciate it and do take it for granted. Life isn't promised and for some its even numbered! Glad you appreciate your life! Do you have any goals for your 29-30 year?