What does it take for someone to get activated? My skin is breaking out in some strange rash, that I hear will get worst before its gets better, I’m bored to tears at my job, I’ve gained weigh, and I’m much to vain to be over weight. All in all none of these things have driven me. I have become so comfortable in “it is what it is” that I allow a lot of things fall to the waste side. I guess it’s my strange way of manipulating energy, to not sweat the small stuff. Well I’ve taken don’t sweat the small stuff too far, and allowed life to pass me by. A close friend of mine passed away Saturday, or that is when they found his body. I hadn’t realized how bad I am with grieving till now. I feel so guilty, mad, and angry. Did he take his own life? Was he sick? He had pushed us away, saying he found God. No one will argue with that. Well I didn’t. I saw him a few months back. He didn’t look well. Body thin, muscle mass gone. A child in men’s clothes. I didn’t say anything! But I did call other and say he didn’t look well, I hope he is ok. He wasn’t, and I didn’t open my mouth. Me mouth all mighty didn’t say a word. He sent out a simple email saying “Hello Everyone, I just wanted to let you know that today is my last day at this job. After today if you need reach me, please email me at xxx@yahoo.com or feel free to call.” I didn’t call!
I hate to think in his last days he felt so alone, that he didn’t reach out. I yell, and scream in my mind, and ask God why didn’t, he say I need help! I need a hug, I need an ear. I spend all day, returning letters, and helping people I will never lay eyes on, and someone I knew for 10 years got pass me! I didn’t even notice. Why didn’t I say something? Fear of fighting? Most likely, but it’s what we did. As I review all the emails that we have sent back in forth, I now realize it was him trying to see if I cared. In ten years I don’t remember once saying I love you KJ! You are my friend. I am so sorry for that man. I love you! And I promise I will not let anyone that is hurting so much in my life, go with out me opening my mouth, and saying my piece. I remember moments when all I needed was a hug, the thoughts drumming in my head. If only someone would lay there hands on me. Taken me close into them, and let me know I wasn’t alone. As I think back, I recall saying, I will ask next time, if he needs me. What’s wrong? There wasn’t a next time. KJ I hope in your next journey I will have the unique reward, to be a part of your life again, and I promise you I will love you openly, and not give two damns if you push me away, I ain’t going no where! I PROMISE! I love you man hope to see you again, you may have to wait a minute, but I’ll be there.
i'm sorry for your lose,
Jared after I read your blog I feel so compelled to be a better friend to my friends. I knew KJ since '03. He and I unfortunately had a blow up over something that I thought at the time was very minor but now in retrospect I can understand why he was so angry with me. He and I didn't speak for almost two years and I hadn't seen him for almost a year. I tried more than once to reach out to him but he didn't want to reconcile with me, so I stopped trying. Perhaps it was out of foolish pride on my part or just not wanting to continue to reach out to someone who didn't want to be my friend anymore. I simply made my peace with it and moved on. When I got the news of his passing I didn't know how to feel given the awkwardness of the latter part of our friendship. I'm glad I held no anger in my heart towards him because this time right now would be that much more difficult for me. In spite of our differences I loved KJ and I know he loved me. I look at old pictures of us and celebrate the good times we shared. KJ was a natural born comedian who taught me one of the best lessons of my life and that is to learn how to laugh at myself. I just wish I had been a better friend to him because he and I not speaking for so long truly was a waste. To anybody whose eyes happen to read this comment, please get over your trivial arguments with friends and family. Be the bigger person and resolve your issues. We are worth it!!!
Nice Walter! Thank you for adding that!
jared, i am very sorry that events unfolded the way they did. i hope you will not harbor any blame toward yourself. after something like this happens, it is natural to wonder "what if i'd done something different?" the truth is, you reached out to offer your ear, heart, hand to your friend. that is all you could ever have done.
be well, my brotha. love you.
m
jared,
i am quite sorry for your loss and hope that from this you grow and reach a new level of awareness and strength. keep your head up man.
Sorry for you loss Jared my condolensces.
Honey,
Sorry you are in that dark and twisted place we all go into from time to time. Sorry for your loss, feel better, and let us try to get together soon so that our friendship also does not take a backseat to the less important things in life. Miss ya !
sounds like a winner!!! I gotta finish the other books I am reading and then I can pick that one up...
Hey Jared I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My prayers are with you & if you need anything please feel free to contact me. God Bless you Love Charlie