My minds eye said write, who am I not to listen? I sit staring at my computer, waiting the clock out. Feeling uncomfortable and uncertain of my future anywhere. I know 08’ is a year of design; it is the year that I allow life to just happen. By my own admittance I am a control freak, when it comes to my own life and happiness. But like anything is a balance, a center, I’m binding this time to learn that. ITS SIMPLE HELL!
If no one knows, I’m about to tell you. I have a thing for men who don’t want me.
As much as I crafted this machine, it’s the Bug I have yet to get out of the system. I’ve tried frying the Motherboard, didn’t do nothing!
I’m clicking keys, so at a point of annoyed in my own mind, I can’t stand there sound. Stress lays in the fact that I’m waiting for his reply email! Write me damn you!? I need to know where I stand. Random thoughts-non functional meanings.
“I woke up this morning thinking about you, as I often do. I was at an event few weeks ago, and the subject of how we throw each other away in this community came up. So as I do I started to speak. Speak on the non-responsibility we have with one another, in the form of feeling. How we leave, not knowing what we place in someone life, what we may have meant. As u have learned I'm painfully honest at times. But I will say I was falling in Love with you. So funny I remember a few days before our "break-up" I was speaking with Delicia, I expressed to her I was just going to allow myself to let go, and trust that it will be okay. All that to say is, I've moved passed my ego, and I can openly say I miss you! Simple I'm not giving up! Now let’s see where Mr. ______ stands.
This is what my Horoscope read today!
"The sun moves out of your love zone today, but the love vibration stays for a while. If anything needs to be said or settled between you and another, now's the time to do it - don't hesitate a moment longer. Whether the words are formulated in your mind or not, go ahead and bring up a long overdue discussion. Don't miss the moment by not putting words into action."
This letter has become the bane of my existence, allowing a stupid Horoscope to stir my life. I have learned to enjoy the curse control; I mainly let Jesus take the wheel. But now I wait.
I’m tired of fighting for someone to Love me!
I think where my fault lays is that I drunk the Kool-aid called optimism, and thought that it would really happen- maybe its my precedent of having men leave, is that why I find men that don’t fight to stay to make it work?
Gay men and the Trash complex.
I’d rather trash him, then fight with myself to be a stronger person.
-Average gay man
If no one knows, I’m about to tell you. I have a thing for men who don’t want me.
As much as I crafted this machine, it’s the Bug I have yet to get out of the system. I’ve tried frying the Motherboard, didn’t do nothing!
I’m clicking keys, so at a point of annoyed in my own mind, I can’t stand there sound. Stress lays in the fact that I’m waiting for his reply email! Write me damn you!? I need to know where I stand. Random thoughts-non functional meanings.
“I woke up this morning thinking about you, as I often do. I was at an event few weeks ago, and the subject of how we throw each other away in this community came up. So as I do I started to speak. Speak on the non-responsibility we have with one another, in the form of feeling. How we leave, not knowing what we place in someone life, what we may have meant. As u have learned I'm painfully honest at times. But I will say I was falling in Love with you. So funny I remember a few days before our "break-up" I was speaking with Delicia, I expressed to her I was just going to allow myself to let go, and trust that it will be okay. All that to say is, I've moved passed my ego, and I can openly say I miss you! Simple I'm not giving up! Now let’s see where Mr. ______ stands.
This is what my Horoscope read today!
"The sun moves out of your love zone today, but the love vibration stays for a while. If anything needs to be said or settled between you and another, now's the time to do it - don't hesitate a moment longer. Whether the words are formulated in your mind or not, go ahead and bring up a long overdue discussion. Don't miss the moment by not putting words into action."
This letter has become the bane of my existence, allowing a stupid Horoscope to stir my life. I have learned to enjoy the curse control; I mainly let Jesus take the wheel. But now I wait.
I’m tired of fighting for someone to Love me!
I think where my fault lays is that I drunk the Kool-aid called optimism, and thought that it would really happen- maybe its my precedent of having men leave, is that why I find men that don’t fight to stay to make it work?
Gay men and the Trash complex.
I’d rather trash him, then fight with myself to be a stronger person.
-Average gay man
You sound a little defeated in this blog...can I be little corny and share one of my grandma's famous saying..."You can't always see the light at the end of the tunnel but if you just keep making you will find yourself in a better place" So keep moving man until you are pass this low point.
Jason
U are so deserving of the right one..the perfect fit. Just let it happen. Truly...let..go
Mr. Big
I know how you feel. It's hard to let go when you the times were good and everything felt so right. Nothing wrong with remember the good times however, at some point you will come to a place where you'll feel happy that they are gone for whatever reason. Relish in the good moments that you had and pay attention the next time. Don't give up.
J,
I'm sorry that you've had to experience what you have; I really am. But take this advice from someone who has had countless failed relationships because I tried to turn a hoe into a housewife so to speak:
Change your perspective.
When we find ourselves in these situations where we are consistently attracting the "wrong" kind of people into our lives, it is of the utmost importance for us to realize that we shouldn't ask, "What's wrong with him?"; we should ask, "What's wrong with me?" We should be focusing on what it is in ourselves that would allow such a negative energy to find its way into our lives. What healing must we allow to happen inside of us to ensure this sort of thing doesn't happen again?
Also ask yourself: "What am I looking for? What do I want in a partner and is that part of the problem?" We so often want our mates to "complete us" when we should instead seek to make ourselves full human beings all on our own, and seek people who are full human beings all on their own.
When we seek partners, we are often so fixated on the physical appeareance that we overlook, to our detriment, the states of their minds and hearts. It's human to be attracted to the physical, but have we ever questioned our attractions? Have we ever said, "Why is it that I only find myself attracted to X kind of man and what does that say about me?" Most of us haven't because we're afraid of what we'll discover.
This is particularly prevalent in the black, gay community. I could fill a book with the superficial reasons I've heard for someone rejecting a potential partner: "He's gotta be at least 6 feet tall and own his own home and have a nice car and make a lot of money and have perfect teeth and have the perfect caramel complexion, blah, blah, blah." You know what I almost never hear? "He must be kind. He must be intelligent. He must be respectful. He must be loyal and honest and trustworthy and well-rounded. And if he isn't some of these things, please let him have an open mind and conscious heart that is willing to learn to be." So it never surprises me when a friend has found his "Mr. Right"--the man who has met all of his physical and economic requirements--and Mr. Right cheats on him, or leaves him for another man, or abuses him, or disrespects him, or avoids him. And then my friend has the audacity to be shocked when The Universe was simply giving him what he asked for.
Generally speaking, gay black men have not matured enough relationship-wise (and there are MANY reasons for this) to realize that it really doesn't matter how physically attractive a guy is. You have to go DEEPER.
Get to know a guy. Don't sleep with him until you know that the friendship (Yes, friendship. I know that's a dirty word in a large portion of the community, but knowing your potential partner as a friend first is crucial to the success of any further intimacy) is on solid ground (and you couldn't possibly know that for at least 6 months--after the pheromones and dopamine have worn off). Stop with the romantic (read: false) ideas of what love is supposed to look and feel like. James Baldwin said it best: "Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up."
If he's "not that into you," let him GO.
All of this is, of course, easier said than done. And you'll make errors along the way. But the key is to at least be CONSCIOUS of what's been holding you back and try your best to move away from that.
Speaking as someone now in a long-term relationship:
Relationships--particularly monogamous relationships, especially black, gay, male, monogamous relationships--are work; constant, treacherous, intimidating work. He puts in work. I put in work. Sometimes, I don't know if I'm up for the challenge (and I'm sure he'd tell you the same). But the benefits and rewards we reap for putting the time in are so INVALUABLE and rare that we're simply not willing to throw it away because we didn't check ourselves.
You're a bright, caring, handsome man, J. Start working on and questioning J and the rest will follow.