Question of the Week? April 16- April 23 WebSites
13 Comments Published by His Daily Variety on Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 12:24 PM.
Would you be happy if you were never able to get on Adam or BGC again?" I know it seems superficial, but so many of "us" spend so much time on these sites. I challenge you think why "we" are on these sites. Lets be honest, many of "us" go on these sites to hookup or do we? Rarely are we looking for genuine conversation or friendship with no sexual ties.
So, the question begs the deeper question.
If you weren't able to hookup anymore, would you be happy?
Also why are we really on these sites, are we really that lonely?
Note: I meet my best friend on Adam4Adam. Many of years ago. Has the gay "life" become more sexual?
My Muse: Wesley
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The funniest thing (or maybe not so funny at all) about those sites are the profiles that say, "I AM NOT LOOKING FOR HOOK-UPS/BOOTY CALLS! I'm SEEKING GENUINE, INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION AND WE CAN TAKE IT FROM THERE," but their main photograph is not of their face, but of their spread eagle ass, erect penis or lubricated chest.
If that isn't a mixed message (or downright hypocrisy), I don't know what is.
Years ago I was on A4A but left because it really wasn't serving my needs. I don't feel I've missed anything.
I think people are on them because a) they are as easy as online shopping. You know exactly what you want and what you're getting, and b) we have so few alternative, face-to-face places to interact that offer better options.
For years now I've been asking the question, if you want more than a sexual relationship and you aren't into bars, clubs and websites, where do you meet likeminded Black gay men? No one has provided an answer.
I've never been a member of any of those sites. I don't hook up either, so I'm not really any help here. I'll be back, because I'm interested in people's opinion regarding this topic.
well on websites some people can easily communicate things that they want so much easier than they would in person, its easy to sit behind a computer, hit someone up and let them know what u want. or that u are interested in them. most people can't walk up to someone in person and say the things that they say online, i can admit to that myself, people aren't so shy online so thats why u have more people online all the time, plus like Bernie said, there may not be other choices for gay men to meet up.
FYI:
Not just gay people use dating sites to meet, date, hook-up. My straight friends use those sorts of sites as well (and carry much more shame than gay people about having to resort to such "measures"). And they also complain about the high level of deception they encounter while using them.
The Internet fosters fantasy. People who find themselves unattractive in real life use fake pics to lure potential dates, hoping that once they're lured they can convince them to stay even when the lie is revealed.
Personally, every single person I ever met on the Internet for the purposes of dating turned out to be a fraud in some way, shape or form. No one in my circle of friends and acquaintances has ever successfully maintained a quality relationship from an Internet meeting (quite the opposite).
And I don't understand this idea that there's nowhere else to meet gay men. What did people do before the Internet? When I think of my friends who have successful, long-lasting relationships, the story remains the same:
"Oh, we met by chance at [insert social event here]" "Oh, we were introduced by [insert name of mutual friend here]" "I was vacationing and we bumped into each other at the beach." "He held the train door for me at 125th St." "I was at the bookstore in the gay section and I saw him skimming through E. Lynn Harris and I said 'That's a good book'"
In all of those cases, my friends and acquaintances weren't actively looking for mates.
I wonder if the core of the problem is that in our fear that we'll never find anyone and be lonely for the rest of our lives, we become too active in a process in which we should be more laid back, patient and passive.
By the way, I'm not knocking the Internet as an option. Far be it from me to deny the isolated dude in Wyoming a means to reach out to the community. I'm simply saying it should never be the ONLY option. Go outside sometimes. Take a walk in the park. Give someone your seat on the train. You might be surprised by the results.
Yes I would still be happy because most of the guys actually almost all of them I meet face to face, so it aint no thang. THat's just how it is. I stay happy there is more than enough reasons in the world to cry I just don't have time for that all the time.
well I know people, myself included have met some cool people online that were not fraud, its all about what your looking for and what’s good for u, hell u can meet a fraud face to face, hell I have lol, internet dating is just yet another way to meet people its nothing to ashamed of or embarrassed about, internet dating is not for everybody and everybody don't have bad experiences with internet meetings. hell im online now meeting folks lol,
There's a great article about this phenonmenon here:
http://www.gaywired.com/PrintFriendly.cfm?ID=18743
It seems everyone is looking for love in all the wrong places. And if you believe the latest research from the LOGO Channel, 48-percent of gay men claim they're looking for "love" on line. With such a high demand, there seems to be an ever-growing supply of places to look. That’s right: Gone are the days when you actually had to leave your house to meet that special someone. Now you can just log on and click to your favorite site to find Mr. Right, or in most cases, Mr. Right Now.
So are gay men really seeking love... or is it just all about sex?
While most of the "straight" online dating sites like Match.com and Eharmony.com establish compatibility through a series of questionnaires, very often the gay community is relegated to looking at pretty pictures and deciding whether to hook up at his place or yours. After examining a few of the top gay "dating" sites it becomes clear that sex comes out on top when searching for a mate online.
Manhunt.net may be known to most as an online bathhouse, but it still markets itself as a dating service. The site offers over 1.3 million profiles worldwide and allows members to click through and find exactly what they are looking for. Instead of asking personality related questions, Manhunt.net asks about preferred sexual position, scene, and availability. Not exactly a great place to find the next love of your life, but in a sexual pinch I guess you can get on, get together and get off.
Compare the 1.3 million registered members on Manhunt to the few thousand on the more legitimate Date.com. Date.com says they specialize in matching up gay men through personal ads, but just because it is not a traditional sex site doesn’t mean that sex is not foremost on the minds of its subscribers.
On the first page, the first profile said, ”I am a top man and I want a bottom... I speak English and Spanish." A description like that leaves a lot to be desired if you are truly looking to find a relationship.
Some sites, such as Adam4Adam.com, are a little less overt about being hook up sites. They allow the member to write a profile about likes and dislikes, and the reader is given some sort of incite into the guy they are checking out. However, after the initial subtleties are dispensed with, you are left with headlines such as, "PNP and Fuck All Night Long" and "My Ass, Your Cock" as well as pictures that leave very little to the imagination.
As a hook up site Adam4Adam supplies endless opportunities, but if you were looking for something more substantial you’d probably be better off just hiring an escort.
Speaking of escorts, the saying that "you can’t buy love, but everything else is negotiable" seems to ring true when it comes to online dating. Rentboy.com and Badpuppy.com are two of the most popular of hundreds of websites dedicated to finding, ummm… company for the night. With thousands of profiles to flip through, you could have a friendly companion each night of the week, if the price is right. The prevalence of these escort sites, which typically far out weight dating sites by sheer number, is very telling about what gay men are actually looking for online.
If you’re looking for a sugar daddy, well there may just be a site for you! I recently saw an ad for the Gay Millionaires Club, and lets just say I was more than intrigued. If you saw the first season of The Anna Nicole Smith Show, and I know many of you did, then you may remember that Anna went to a service that hooked her up with eligible, if often undesirable, millionaires. Well now the club is not just for overweight, washed up celebrities. Any cute, young gay guy can do it.
Apparently rich men need love too, and this club provides millionaires the chance to be connected with available singles. The millionaires have in-depth interviews with matchmakers and a date is set up between their clients and the young schmoos that think that just because a guy has money he will be a gentleman.
The site is not considered a place for hooking up, or a place to find fee based exchanges, if you know what I mean. However, if you look at the ads you will notice that the millionaires are often coupled with some of West Hollywood’s finest masseurs or escorts that you can also find in the back of any gay rag peddling their wares.
SiverDaddies.com caters to a more unique segment of the population. The site, developed by a 20-something man who is in a long-term relationship with his 60-year-old partner, has loads of profiles of older men looking for sex or relationships with younger men. That in itself may not seem like such a departure from the norm, but the increasingly growing number of younger men seeking the company of the older generation is the site's biggest draw.
The pictures are very... let’s just say provocative, but those of you looking to close the generation gap may be pleasantly surprised about what this site has to offer. Still, love doesn’t seem to be the overwhelming purpose.
The Web is not completely devoid of dating opportunities, however. You just have to look at bit harder. But there are some dating sites that have tried to ward off the sex site mentally by keeping things cleaner.
For a more legitimate site with less full on cock shots, Connexion.org may just be your best bet when you are at least trying to put on the propriety that you are looking for something more than just a hot screw. Connexion was originally based in Denver, Colorado and is about the equivalent to a gay man’s Friendster. With lots of details in each profile, you can read a little bit about the person you are going to contact, and most of the pictures actually show the persons face.
Match.com may cater to the straight community, but in recent months they've made a big push to attract a larger gay fanbase. Heck, they've even recruited Dr. Phil to offer dating advice to its members... and while I'm not sure what sort of expertise he has to offer about being a modern day, single gay man in Weho, perhaps what they say is true and we really aren't all that different than straight folk.
And finally, the first and still biggest site for gay guys looking for love is Gay.com. Over the last few years this site has become most popular with newcomers to the online dating scene. The site was a little antiquated for a while, but with it’s new ads asking 'Are You Gay?.com', they are making headway in trying to keep up with the rest of the online world.
However, with the change more naked pictures have begun to surface on the website, and actual dating seems to have taken a back seat to hookups.
In the world of cyberspace, it’s hard to tell the real from the flakes... and even harder to find out if the person you are looking at is thinking about a quick roll in the hay or that white picket fence. But for now, if you are looking for love, you may just have to take the chance. As bars become increasingly louder and more crowded, trying to find that special connection with someone becomes harder and harder because actually carrying on a conversation is almost impossible.
Even though the Web gives you a private place to get to know someone, it can become just as frustrating because, especially in the gay world, looks and hookups often seem much more important than actual compatibility.
Love can be found on the Web, to be sure... but as these Websites show, sometimes, gay men seem to be going for the easy out.
Wow. Great post J. And was that best friend shout out to me? We did meet online over eight years ago. But strictly as friends. And here we are. Still single. One would have thought that something like that would have changed. But we have led different lives in that aspect with very little results. Now as I use the internet more I find myself in precarious situations that I should have learned my lesson from. And I think that robert jones, jr is right in his second post.
"I wonder if the core of the problem is that in our fear that we'll never find anyone and be lonely for the rest of our lives, we become too active in a process in which we should be more laid back, patient and passive."
So I'm going to enjoy the summer. Internet free and see what turns up.
Those sites are toxic, I think that most guys can do better staying off those broke ass chat lines
I really dont know.
I dont hookup at all, but, it seems like the only places where we Gays can meet anyone IS online or the club.
;-)