Question of the week February 6th 2008- February 13th 2008
8 Comments Published by His Daily Variety on Wednesday, February 06, 2008 at 10:16 AM.
I'm sitting here on Wednesday morning pondering what this weeks question will be.
I have two thought rotating in my mind, both on the face of it touching fear. But in two very different ways.
1. The terror of coming out!
2. The horror of growing old and alone (Top gay man fear!)
So me being me I'll go with the scarier one.
So ladies and gents here is the Question of the week!
Do you envision yourself living single or with a partner by the time you reach your senior years? Either way, what do you imagine those years will be like? Can you even envision yourself as a senior citizen?
Thanks, Bernie
Now & forever I will be the one to get the SOUL TRAIN LINE started!
Being lonely is a state of mind. I would love to settle down and grow old with someone, but if not I should be happy with loving myself to the day I die. That's why while your single, get to know yourself, learn about your likes and dislikes. Know how to entertain yourself. Can you be by yourself in a room for more than 48 hours without loosing your mind. To be happy in your own solitude is important. If you can deal with your own flaws then you'll know what a lover or mate has to deal with when they deal with you.
Love comes with no conditions, yet comes with limitations. If you can love someone with no conditions, and both your limitations are level, you have a long-term relationship. It's not about the sex, it's not about their status in life or health. Those things are either icing on the cake... or mud on your shoes.
When you realize some on the dynamics of relationships, communication, and trust then loneliness is not an option. You are aware that if you find that person, you are lucky, you cherish them everyday, you will do nearly anything to work it out, and the love making will make it way to your heart. But if not, you love yourself and the friendships you've built over the years. The family you've reconciled with, or just plain find comfort in you sanity, your good health, and your relationship with God. I keep thinking about it, I will never be lonely with God in my life, and that knowledge gives you the power not to settle, not to rush, not to be scared of loneliness, but to embrace the relationships that don't leave you lonely.
I am scared no more, and neither should my other brothas and sistas . Embrace yourself, love yourself and you will never be lonely. Promise.
Signed
You Figure It Out
I think the *fear* of growing old that so many young gay men speak of, comes from having not figured out how to live a full life beyond just doing the *gay* things. If you're whole life is wrapped up in parties or clubs or racking up frequent flier sex miles, then that fear comes from the thought that those things may not be available to you as you age. The children preoccupied with looking fabulous fear losing their beauty and thus their value in old age in what is in reality a shallow lifestyle at any age.
But if you build a life around personal, spiritual and intellectual growth and development, serving community, valuing time spent with family and friends, and being involved in the whole world not just small segments of it, then those things never go away and you don't find yourself lonely, even if you are alone.
I turned 48 last month and comfortably live by myself in middle age. Senior citizenship is right around the corner for me. While I have never enjoyed a long-term relationship and have been presently single more than a decade now, I have prepared myself for the future by having meaningful work, taking care of my health, financial planning for retirement, and continuing to enjoy my current interests while exploring new ones.
Funny I was having this exact thought as I rode the train to work today. I could sit here and write some long diatribe about the peace of solitude, happiness in being alone, the strength of self....but at tyhe end of the day I get lonely and want companionship. I can imagine my life being spent alone, though its something that wouldn't make me happy. Am I happy with me..YES. Do I love myself...DEFINITELY. I think all those things can be true and there still be a strong desire for companionship. My this is...I have a lot of love to give. I adopted a dog...he gets a lot of it now. But I also want an honest, loving relationship that allows me to give the rest. I dont think that makes me weak..it makes me human.
I've spent much of my life dating and in relationships. A little over a year ago I ended my relationship and made a concerted effort to stay single. I spent the time discovering/defining who I am and what my needs are vs. what others expect.
It wasn't easy for me. But I'm so glad I did it. I found new friends, a new career and put energy into interests I'd let languish because my partners weren't into them.
More importantly, I saw that I could "make it" through life without an "other" on my arm. That was an important lesson. That said, I still prefer being in some sort of a relationship; it suits my personality better.
I've recently made myself open to dating and have found wonderful prospects who accept all of me - as is. I don't believe I could have met them had I not taken the break to be with myself. As a result, even if they don't develop into full-fledged relationships, I'm okay with that.
I've just begun to explore the 40s but I have wonderful, older gay men (some coupled, some single) to follow after. I see my senior years being built around family, a relationship and/or solid friendships. Also, health and financial stability are bigger priorities for me. It's about balance. No need for fear on my end.
To be very honest, I have not thought much about my senior years. I am concentrating on making it there! lol
I would hope I have someone to enjoy my senior years with. It gets lonely with no one there to talk with and experience good times...
I've long grown accustomed to being/feeling alone for various reasons and if the first 25 years of my life are any indication of what the rest of my life will be, there is a high likelihood that I will spend the rest of my life without a partner. The thought incites sadness if anything but not fear, perhaps I've resigned myself to that eventuality despite having grown to desire companionship over the past year or so.
As for the other two parts of the question, I don't really make any projections or form expectations about my future. Planning for upcoming and everyday events, saving money, developing my career, a few vague dreams/hopes... but I don't "envision" or "imagine" futures.
Growing old is a good thing because life is too short. I don't mind if I grow old and "alone" as long as I am surrounded by people who love me. I do have that fear of being old and in the nursing home without a single visitor.
This reminds me to just stop and enjoy every moment of the day.